


Pay or Dare

by Thelifeofafandom



Category: Psych
Genre: M/M, Officer Pensky is my OC, Rabbits are involved as romantic courtship, Shawn and Gus play truth or dare, Shawn makes Lassie jealous, not really - Freeform, sort of fluffy?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-04
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2018-02-11 18:03:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2077824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thelifeofafandom/pseuds/Thelifeofafandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gus and Shawn resurrect one of their favorite games, Pay or Dare, which involves the two daring each other to do something with an increasing bet for whoever chickens out first. Lassiter gets involved because playing with fire is the entire point of the game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pay or Dare

**Author's Note:**

> I betaed this myself, so all mistakes are my own.

**Chapter One**

 

It all started with a dare.

 

Well, more specifically, it started with Truth or Dare.

 

  _Well,_ even _more_ specifically, it started with Gus and Shawn's version of it: Pay or Dare. Starting from smaller dares, the first person to not do a dare would have to pay an increasing amount of money.

 

 The rain pounded down on the windows of Shawn's ex-laundromat/apartment. Gus and Shawn sat criss-crossed on the floor in front of the TV that had just recently stopped working because of the power outage.

 

"Monopoly?" Gus offered, searching around the room for the box.

 

"No, I burnt it in a forest fire. Long story. Poker?"

 

"Shawn, you're broke and super good at poker, I'm not broke and terrible at poker."

 

"Damn right." Shawn grinned smugly.

 

"How about..." Gus's eyes widened.

 

"No. Don't invoke it!" Shawn shouted.

 

"I'm gonna do it! Pay or Dare!"

 

Shawn groaned. "What's the initial bet?"

 

"Five bucks."

 

Shawn stuck his fist out. "Best two out of three." Two "rock, paper, scissors, SHIT"s later, Shawn had first dare.

 

"I dare you to... Run outside shirtless." He cackled as if he was a genius.

 

"Fine." Gus stripped his shirt off and ran outside without even enough time for Shawn to pull out his phone, then he ran quickly back inside.

 

"What! That doesn't count!"

 

"That _totally_ counts!" Gus folded his arms and put his shirt back on. "You didn't specify how long I needed to do it!"

 

"Fine."

 

"Now, I dare you to go to the station tomorrow wearing only your PJs."

 

"Which?"

 

Gus narrowed his eyes. "Peach-pattern. Oh! And you have to hug Lassiter in them!"

 

"Well, now we don't have anything to do until tomorrow."

 

"Uh, yes we do." Gus pointed at the TV that had flickered to life.

 

Shawn flipped to ABC's mandatory Harry Potter marathon. "Sleepover Sundays should never be without Harry Potter."

 

***

 

The next morning Shawn sauntered into the office wearing his pajamas.

 

"Good morning, Shawn-- what?" Juliet stopped in her tracks when she saw Shawn wearing his peach-patterned onesie.

 

"What what?" Shawn feigned ignorance at Juliet's confusion. The first rule of Pay or Dare was you _never_ say it's a dare.

 

"What are you wearing?"

 

"Oh! My pajamas." Shawn grinned nonchalantly.

 

"You know what?" Juliet raised her eyebrows. "I don't wanna know!"

 

"Hey, Juliet-- what the _fuck_." Lassiter ran into Shawn. Literally. He was reading paperwork and wasn't looking at where he was going. "Shawn?"

 

"Yes, Lassie?"

 

"Are you wearing a onesie?"

 

"Yes." Shawn beamed and pulled Lassiter into a hug.

 

"Get off of me!" Lassiter shoved the psychic off of himself.

 

"Gus! My turn!" Shawn whirled around and Lassiter rolled his eyes at the ridiculous shenanigans.

 

"I'm posting this to Facebook!" Gus shouted and proudly displayed the screen of his phone.

 

"I dare you to _not_ post that to Facebook," Shawn replied, panicked.  

 

"Fine," Gus lowered his voice to a whisper, "I dare you to get a bunny and put it in Lassiter's apartment."

 

"You heartless monster!" Shawn looked around and whispered, "What'll I do with the bunny afterwards?"

 

"Polly's Pet store has a thirty-day return policy."

 

"How much do bunny's cost?"

 

"Five bucks."

 

"How much are we up to in betting money?"

 

"15 bucks."

 

Shawn scrunched his face up. "Fine. But you're paying for my medical bills."

 

Gus smirked and stuck out his fist. Shawn reluctantly fist bumped it and went home to change.

 

After getting into relatively normal clothing, he sped off to Polly's.

 

"How can I help yah today?" A cheerful redhead greeted him.

 

"I'd like to buy a bunny for a war-hardened policeman."

 

The redhead blinked quickly without losing her charming smile. "'Scuse me?"

 

"Man named Carlton Lassiter. He's in the police department."

 

"Oh, I understand." Polly made a face of sympathy. "For the boyfriend?"

 

"Haha-- what?" Shawn pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows.

 

"Oh, ah'm sorry!" Polly raised her hands. "It's jus' that this close to Christmas I get a lot of people buying rabbits for their loved ones. And you're also the gay type."

 

"What? I-- uh, no. Not gay. Super straight." Shawn laughed uncomfortably. "Do I really look gay?"

 

"What? No! Did I say that? You're _very_ straight." Polly patted his arm and gave a strained smile. "Anyway, about that bunny!" She gestured to a glass cage of small, fluffy rabbits.

 

"That one." Shawn immediately pointed to a black rabbit with blue eyes that looked slightly disgruntled. "That one looks _exactly_ like Lassie." He lifted the animal out of the cage and hugged it to his chest. "I will name him... Lassie-Flops. Because his ears are floppy." He kissed the head of the uncomfortable rabbit.

 

"Alrighty! That'll be 15 bucks!" The woman smiled cheerfully.

 

"What? Gus said it was five!"

 

"Well, this includes a cage, lining, and a packet of food pellets, so it's a good bargain." She gently took Lassie-Flops and placed him into a cage. Shawn grumbled and took out his wallet.

 

"This bettr b worth it >:(" Shawn texted Gus after leaving, cooing at the angry-looking rabbit the entire time. "It was 15$$$"

 

"Well, I'm sure Lassiter will love his surprise!" Gus texted back immediately. Shawn could _sense_ him rolling his eyes, despite his lack of psychic powers.

 

"Alright Lassie-Flops! Let's get you home! Maybe Lassie _won't_ kill you!" Shawn placed the bunny in the passenger seat of the Blueberry. "If you shit there, _I_ will kill you."

 

The rabbit looked back at him as if saying "oh, please."

 

Shawn broke into Lassiter's apartment, which had now become a familiar routine, no matter how many times Lassiter changed his locks. He gently placed Lassie-Flops and his food pellets on the couch with a note:

 

"I know you want a pony but this is close enough :) his name is Lassie-Flops. Because his ears are floppy.

 

P.S. There's a 30-day return policy to Polly's Pet shop ;)"

 

Shawn cackled and crept out of the apartment, knowing that Lassiter would be back there in a few hours to find his gift.

 

So, a few hours later, he was not surprised to hear, "What the fuck is this, Spencer?"

 

"What? What's happening?" Shawn put his phone on speaker because Gus had refused to believe him, despite the pictures.

 

"You put a fucking _bunny_ in my apartment!" Lassiter shoved the offending creature's cage away from him.

 

Gus and Shawn sniggered. "I did nothing of the sort!"

 

"I can't believe you named him _Lassie-Flops_! What, are you, three?"

"'Lassie-Flops'? That is such a cute name for a bunny! I wish I had thought of it!"

 

"Spencer, this isn't funny! First the pajamas, now the bunny? We really need to talk about your sanity!"

 

"I'm sorry, what? I'm going through a tunnel!" Shawn covered the speaker of the phone. "Gus, make wooshie noises!" Shawn quickly shut off his phone and planned on what Gus's next dare should be. "I dare you to tell everyone about Lassie-Flops tomorrow. In front of Lassiter himself. Before he's had his coffee."

 

"Shawn, that's a death wish!" Gus exclaimed.

 

"Do you wanna pay me 25 bucks?"

 

Gus grumbled. "No."

 

"Then everyone in the office will've heard about Lassie-Flops. And tell them that Lassie bought him, not me. I mean _he_ bought the bunny, I didn't buy the bunny. Not that he bought the bunny instead of buying me."

 

Gus knitted his brows together. "What?"

 

"Nothing, nothing. On an unrelated note: do I look gay to you?"

 

The next day Lassiter was extra pissed off, covered in black fur, and hadn't had his coffee yet.

 

"Hey, Lassiter!" Gus walked in, closely followed by a laughing Shawn. "Heard about that rabbit," this was said loud enough so all the officers could hear.

 

"Guster," Lassiter warned.

 

"Yeah, Lassie-Flops, isn't it? You know, I'd never think you of all people would buy a bunny!"

 

"You bought a bunny, Carlton?" Juliet squealed. "That is _so_ cute! Can I see him? Do you have pictures?"

 

"No," Lassiter answered bluntly.

 

"Oh, I do actually." Shawn showed her pictures of the rabbit. "I always thought Lassie was a dog guy, you know, because of his name, but you never know."

 

"Oh, you're the one that bought it!" Lassiter shouted. "I can't believe you got me a _bunny_."

 

"It's Christmas, Lassie. Show some holiday spirit!"

 

"Wait." Juliet raised her hands. " _You_ bought Carlton a rabbit?"

 

"Nope!" Shawn lied.

 

"Yes, you did!" Lassiter tsked. "I would never buy a rabbit for myself!"

 

"You two are like an old, married couple." Juliet rolled her eyes. "Did you return the rabbit?"

 

"Duh. I wouldn't keep it. Rabbits are stupid."

 

"Hey!" McNab called from the break room. "My aunt is a rabbit farmer!"

 

"What -- a rabbit farmer?" Lassiter shook his head. “How did I end up working with a bunch of buffoons?”

 

“Excuse me, I’m no monkey!” Shawn retorted.

 

“I think you mean baboon, Shawn. Also, they’re not monkeys.”

 

“I’ve heard it both ways.”

 

“Guster!” Lassiter grabbed the man by the collar. “I _swear_ if you continue telling people about Lassie-- that rabbit, I will personally murder you and make it look like Shawn did it. Do you understand?”

 

“Yessir!” Gus squeaked and ran out of the police station as soon as he was released, followed by a cackling Shawn.

 

“Well, it’s my turn now.” Gus turned on Shawn. “You have to steal Lassiter’s car and move it to different spaces after he parks it. Every day. Until he catches you.”

 

Shawn raised his eyebrow. “This means that I get to dare you before I complete this dare because it’s an ongoing dare. Also, why are these all Lassiter-related dares?”

 

Gus frowned. “Well, playing with fire is fun, I guess?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Anyway, you can dare me after you move his car now.” Gus pointed to the Crown Vic.

 

“Ok, ok, give me a minute.” Shawn raised his finger and ran back into the station.

 

“What do you want, Spencer?” Lassiter groaned. “We don’t have any cases for you two! Go bother someone else! Preferably a bear!”

 

“No, I left something on your desk.” Shawn ran over to the detective’s desk before Lassiter could stop him, and rummaged around. “You know what? I think I left it in the Blueberry! Bye Lassiefras!” Shawn dashed out and jingled a set of keys in front of Gus’s nose before getting into the Crown Vic and moving it to the other side of the parking lot. “There, so hardcore!” Shawn rolled his eyes and slid the keys under the door to the station. “Anyway, I dare _you_ to… Paint yourself and your clothes silver and stand without moving in front of the station.”

 

“Where am I gonna get body paint?” Gus exclaimed.

 

“Oh I’ve got body paint.” Shawn saw the look of confusion and sighed. “I had a kinky girlfriend, ok?”

 

Gus sniggered. “Wait. Did she contaminate it?”

 

“No! Of course not!” Shawn rolled his eyes. For the next few days, Shawn and Gus continued with these pranks. Most of them were pretty normal: Shawn had to make out with a male bartender, Gus had to eat a jalapeno pepper and not drink anything for half an hour, Shawn had to skinny-dip in the Pacific at 3 in the morning, etc. You know, the usual. So, by the morning of December 23, the bet had gone up to 130 bucks.

 

"Who _the fuck_ keeps moving my car?" Lassiter stormed into the station, furious. "Is it you?" He turned on McNab, who shrank back. Juliet smirked from behind her desk. She was clued in on the whole "pay or dare" game, after one of Gus's dares had been to steal a pair of underwear from her room. After she held the two at gunpoint they were _very_ willing to tell her what was going on, and also to promise to not include her in any of it.

 

"It _totally_ counted!" Shawn shouted as he and Gus were escorted inside by a police officer. Gus and Shawn were both carrying a pig covered in sparkly sequins.

 

"I said, 'get an animal from a zoo, then put it back'!"

 

"Yeah, I did that, then I _borrowed_ the pig again, and dared _you_ to cover it in sparkly sparkles!"

 

"They're called sequins, Shawn!"

 

"Oh man!" Lassiter's face brightened. "Is Shawn getting arrested? Please tell me Shawn is getting arrested."

 

"Well, uh..." The officer bringing them in looked very confused. Lassiter remembered him to be an officer that had transferred from San Fransisco yesterday, and hadn't had any experience with Shawn and Gus.

 

"Officer George Pensky, right?"

 

"Yessir! Well, I caught these two glueing sequins onto a pig--"

 

"Actually that was only Gus, I was standing next to him laughing," Shawn corrected.

 

"I caught the black man glueing sequins onto the pig while the white one laughed at him. There's nothing we can charge them with, exactly, as they technically didn't steal the pig. I just felt like I needed to charge them with something."

 

"What?" Gus shouted and whirled on Shawn.

 

"Well, I know one of the zookeepers! He let me borrow the pig!" Shawn retorted.

 

"Damn." Lassiter did have to hide a smile. Gus and Shawn may have been insufferable and made his life a living hell, but their ridiculousness _was_ amusing. Sometimes. Only a little. "But I like your spirit."

 

"I'm sorry, sir, do you know these two?" Officer Pensky asked.

 

"Yeah," he sighed. "They're consultants for the SBPD."

 

"Shawn Spencer, Chief Psychic of the SBPD." Shawn let go of the pig and stuck out his hand. "This is my associate Laba-Daba-Ding-Dong. But you can call him Gus." Shawn shook the bewildered officer's hand.

 

"Shawn!" Gus cried as he almost dropped the squirming pig.

 

"They normally work with me and O'Hara." Lassiter rolled his eyes. "Get used to it. And since they didn't actually steal the pig, just... Just get them to put it back. Go with them." Lassiter pinched his forehead and waved the officer and the two men away.

 

Juliet let out the guffaw she had been holding back for the entire shenanigan. "Oh my god! They stole a _pig_?"

 

"Well, they didn't _steal_ it." Lassiter allowed himself a small smile.

 

Juliet shook her head, grin still plastered on her face. "When you first met Shawn and Gus you'd've put them in the holding cells whether or not they actually committed a felony."

 

Lassiter sat down, bemused. "Yeah, I guess I would've."

 

Officer Pensky placed Shawn, Gus, and Lord Barrington (as Shawn had christened it) in the back of the police cruiser. "You're cleaning up the sequins," he commanded.

 

"No, Gus is," Shawn replied.

 

"You're the one that 'borrowed' the pig!"

 

"You put the sequins on it!"

 

"You dared me to put the sequins on--"

 

"Stop!" The officer shouted. "If you're going to act like whiny babies you're going to walk back to the zoo with the pig."

 

"Anyway," Gus whispered, "it's my turn to dare you."

 

"Hit me with your best shot. This is gonna be 150 bucks."

 

"You have to get lipstick. On Lassiter. And take at least one picture."

 

"What the hell?" Officer Pensky thought . "Are he and Head Detective Lassiter... In a relationship?" He coughed uncomfortably. "Why do you want to get lipstick on Detective Lassiter?"

 

"For... A thing. It's for my psychic abilities, don't question the spirits and the all-knowing void." Shawn pursed his lips and folded his arms. "Lassie and I are two extremely heterosexual men. The spirits just want me to put lipstick on him," Shawn defended himself forcefully, and Gus just sniggered to his side. Lord Barrington just snuffled and squirmed to get out of their arms.

 

Pensky narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "So, you say you work with the SBPD?"

 

"Yup. All the time!" Gus slid a Psych business card under the separator. "Here's our card if you need any investigating work done."

 

"Mr. Guster, I'm a police officer."

 

"Lassie's asked us for help lotsa times." Shawn nodded enthusedly. "Not with his words, but he did."

 

Pensky rolled his eyes and pulled up to the zoo. "Just get out of my car. And take Lord Barrington, or whatever you call him and put him back."

 

Shawn and Gus carried the hefty pig into the zoo, placing him back into the cage, quickly stealing away before anyone could catch them. As they passed the mistletoe decorations in the entrance way (making _very_ sure to go at different times), Shawn had an idea.

 

"Gus, help me go shopping."

 

"Shawn, are you _trying_ to follow every gay stereotype?"

 

"No! I just need lipstick." Gus spread his arms and raised his eyebrows. "For the dare, you half-eaten donut! C'mon, don't you want to see Lassie all done up?"

 

Gus rolled his eyes. "Fine, but you're paying."

 

"Sure, sure. Whatever."

 

And that's how Shawn and Gus found themselves in Sephora, lost and utterly confused. "This foundation is thirty fucking dollars!" Shawn yelped and waved a small case of the thing in the air.

 

"We're looking for lipstick, not foundation. Focus, Shawn," Gus whispered. "I can't believe you talked me into this!"

 

"Should Lassie have electric blue lipstick, or 'orgasm red' lipstick." Shawn giggled at the names.

 

"Just pick a color and let's _go_!" Gus was certain that girls had been giving them weird looks.  

 

"Fine! Orgasm red it is." Shawn put down the astonishingly bright blue down, and payed for the lipstick.

 

"Now you have to walk through the mall with a Sephora bag," Gus hissed. "Just cover it up or something!"

 

"I'm fine." Shawn shrugged. "You know, we should get decorations for the office! And for the SBPD. Tomorrow's Christmas Eve. I'm already dressing up as Shawny Clause, so I think we should have the proper Christmas spirit."

 

"Juliet said they're decorating tonight. Anyway, I don't know what you're so on about. Let's just go before someone we know sees you."

 

"One decoration trip!" Shawn whined. "Just one!"

 

Gus sighed. "Fine."

 

***

 

The next morning, Shawn and Gus bounded into the station.

 

"Hohoho!" Shawn shouted through his fake beard. "Shawny Clause is here to give you gifts!" He pulled open a sack. "Officer Pensky! My psychic vibes are telling me you want..." He pulled a tube of cream out of the bag. "It's for your shaving problem." Shawn winked at the officer's bewilderment. That seemed to be his prime emotion around him. After handing out presents to everyone (except Lassiter, who pretended that he _wasn't_ hurt), Shawn decided to place sprigs of mistletoe everywhere. Literally everywhere. No one was sure how, but he even managed to hang one on the roof. "For the birds," he explained.

 

"Shawn, what are you doing?" Juliet laughed as he discreetly tried to tape a piece on Gus's back.

 

"Holiday spirit!" Shawn grinned.

 

"Lassiter told me there's mistletoe between the urinals in the men's bathroom."

 

Shawn winked. "Spread the joy! Speaking of the bathroom, I'm gonna take this off." He gestured to the fat suit, and allowed Gus to snatch the mistletoe out of his hand.

 

"What's with Shawn?" Lassiter gestured to the retreating figure.

 

"The mistletoe?" Juliet and Gus responded in unison.

 

"Uh, yeah." Lassiter strategically stepped around one of the leaves.

 

"Says he's spreading holiday cheer." Juliet shrugged.

 

"Whatever. He's disrupting work. Tell him to stop." Lassiter wrinkled his nose and stepped away, just as Shawn rejoined the group, without the Santa suit.

 

"Shawn! Are you wearing lipstick?" Juliet exclaimed.

 

“What?” Shawn smacked his lips together. “Lipstick? Jules, why would _I_ , of all people, be wearing lipstick?” He grinned and turned toward the other side of the room. “Hey, Lassie, I forgot to give you your present!” The Head Detective grunted. “Come on! Over here! It’s not snow globes!”

 

“What do you want, Shawn?” Lassiter’s voice was strained.

 

“World peace, eternal happiness, the usual. Also, I want to give you your present!” Shawn didn’t move closer to his desk.

 

Lassiter sighed and sat back. “If I get my present will you shut up?”

 

Shawn grinned maniacally. “Oh, _yeah_!” The detective reluctantly got up and walked over.

 

"Will you shut up _now_ , Shawn?" Lassiter grumbled and stuck out his hand. Shawn promptly grabbed it and pulled Lassiter into a deep kiss, that was slightly longer than either of them had expected it to be. As they broke apart, Shawn (with a deft movement that looked almost rehearsed) pulled out his phone and snapped a few pictures of Lassiter, stunned and with a thin layer of lipstick.

 

"Mistletoe." Shawn pointed to one of the dozens of sprigs of mistletoe on the ceiling. He told himself that his quickly beating heart was only from the adrenaline rush of eminent death.

 

Meanwhile, everyone in the station had stopped and were staring at the two. McNab had dropped a mug, and Juliet had her mouth covered, and looked close to fainting. Gus, though, had recovered quickly, and even managed to take a few pictures for Facebook.

 

"I'm guessing that this... Isn't normal?" Pensky whispered to McNab.

"No way!" McNab whispered back. "Lassiter's going to _murder_ Shawn!"

 

Lassiter, in fact, just stared at Shawn with a mix of emotions. Most of all bewilderment.

 

"Here's your present." Shawn stuck out a small bag and winked. "It looks good on you."

 

"I--What?" Lassiter regained control of his senses and stepped back angrily. "Someone get this mistletoe down." He stormed angrily back to his desk, growling and hissing at anyone who dared to come near him.

 

"Dude, it's gone too far." Shawn wiped the remaining lipstick off his face and approached Gus.

 

"No way!" Gus showed him the photo of him and Lassiter lip locked, already on Facebook. "We've just begun!"

 

"Truce for the holidays?" Shawn stuck out his hand.

 

"Fine, truce."

 

"You are ridiculous!" Juliet giggled.

 

"This isn't the first dude I've made out with for the same of Pay or Dare, Jules." Shawn shook his head and laughed. "Gus, remember that one time where we were up to, like, 300 bucks and you dared me to convince this dude I was a male stripper?"

 

Gus laughed. "Yeah! It turned out the man was gay and gave Shawn a hundred bucks to have sex with him, but Shawn didn't realize so he just left the bar, with this random man’s 100 bucks."

 

"Are you..." Juliet shook her head disbelievingly. "You are _ridiculous_!" She turned her head to Lassiter. “I’m going to go make sure that he doesn’t shoot you or something. Thank me!” She backed away.

 

“Thank you, Jules!” Shawn and Gus said in a monotone voice, before giggling and going off.

 

“O’Hara.” Lassiter acknowledged her presence without violence or anger, which was more than he could say to any of the other officers.

 

“You’ve got a little something…” She pointed to her own lips. “Here.”

 

“What?” His hand flew to his face and wiped off a layer of dark red lipstick. “ _What?_ ”

 

Juliet bit her lip in a vain attempt not to laugh. “I think Shawn was wearing lipstick.”

 

Lassiter looked at the hand, his mind playing tug-o’-war between confusion about the lipstick and confusion about why he felt like he had been hit by a truck. “Why was Shawn wearing lipstick?” He finally managed to get out.

 

“I dunno. He’s _Shawn_.” She rolled her eyes. “Probably because of this stupid game he and Gus are playing.”

 

Another truck hit him, this time without the overtones of his heart being pulled upwards. “Game?”

 

“Yeah, it’s like Dare or Dare, but you have to pay more and more if you say no to the dare.”

 

Lassiter frowned. “Oh.”

 

“‘Oh’?” Juliet’s eyebrows arched in surprise. “That’s all you have to say on the subject, not,” she lowered her voice to mimic the detective, “‘It seems like something they’d do, the idiots. As long as it keeps them out of the station!’”

 

Lassiter gave a strained smile. “Hey! I don’t sound like that!”

 

Juliet grinned. “Just… Don’t shoot them? It’s Christmas. At least wait until January?”

 

“Fine,” Lassiter grumbled, as if he had been planning to shoot Shawn. As soon as no one was looking, and Shawn and Gus were in the bathroom (there “truce” had lasted all of five minutes before Shawn had dared the latter man to crawl through the vents, break into the Chief’s office, and steal the her fish paperweight), Lassiter pulled the bag closer to himself and opened it. Inside was a small Sephora bag, and a note saying “it looks good on you ;).”

 

“Shawn,” He hissed.

 

“Yes?” Shawn popped up behind him, and Lassiter fell forward, trying to hide the bag.

 

“Shit, Spencer!”

 

“You called my name, I answered.” Shawn spread his arms wide. In fact, he had actually just fallen out of the ceiling, where Gus had gotten stuck. “Do you like my gift?”

 

“I haven’t opened it yet.” Lassiter turned crimson.

 

“Shawn knows when you’re _lyiiiiing_!” He sat on the desk and kicked his feet. “Did you like it?”

 

“Shawn, it was _lipstick_ ,” he hissed. “Go. Git. Scram. Off my desk.”

 

“Fine, Mr. Grinch.” Shawn waggled his finger. “You should love Christmas! I mean, you get to kiss random people under mistletoes!”

 

“I’m sure you love that,” Lassiter mumbled, and if he didn’t know better he would have sworn that there was a flash of panic on the ( _fake_ ) psychic’s face.

 

"Well, I sure do!" Shawn brightened and hopped off the desk. "Merry Christmas Lassie!" Shawn waved and brushed some insulation off his shoulder.

 

"Shawn!" Gus screeched from the ceiling. "Help me down!"

 

"Nah," Shawn called back.

 

" _Shawn_!"

 

Shawn sighed and went back up the vent, with Juliet and Lassiter barely giving it a second glance, and Officer Pensky confused and gesticulating at the seemingly random event.

 

**Chapter Two**

 

That night, Christmas Eve, Lassiter settled back into his couch, fourth mug of eggnog in hand. He’d gotten a card from Althea and his mom, from Canada where they were vacationing. A few gifts from a few friends and relatives were placed haphazardly around his reluctantly obtained Christmas tree. Shawn’s had been angrily dumped out of sight behind the kitchen counter.

 

“Merry Christmas to me! Yay!” He slurred. His doorbell ringing startled him, and he withdrew a pistol. He cautiously approached the door, and through the door he saw a very familiar face, but not one he wanted to deal with right now. Opening the door slightly, he shouted, “Go away, Shawn!”

 

“Merry Christmas, Lassie!” Shawn shoved the door open with all his weight and gingerly placed a brightly coloured box with a bow on his coffee table.

 

“Why aren’t you flirting with O’Hara? Or having Christmas at Guster’s?” Lassiter huffed and re-locked his door, realizing that Shawn wasn’t going to leave.

 

“I don’t _flirt_ with Juliet (at least, not romantically), Gus’s parents won’t have me over ever since the Christmas where they found out I was sleeping with Joy, and my dad has buddies over." Shawn shrugged and and plopped on the couch. Lassiter was so defeated that he didn't even say anything when Shawn drank from his mug.

 

"Oh, _man_!" Shawn shook his head. "Wow! You don't fuck around when it comes to eggnog!" He took another sip.

 

"You know what else I don't fuck about?" Lassiter sat next to him. "A _dude_ making out with me while wearing lipstick, then finding out it was a for a game."

 

Shawn laughed uncomfortably. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

 

Lassiter smirked. "If someone's gonna make out with me I'd want to be flattered."

 

Shawn had no idea how to respond to that and took another sip of eggnog. "So, how's Officer Pensky?"

 

"Convinced you're gay and also insane."

 

"Well he's pretty right." Shawn took a sip.

 

"You're _gay_?" Lassiter screeched.

 

"Not generally, but I'm definitely into _a_ man." Shawn felt like it was middle school all over again, dancing around the fact that Val Kilmer was a little more than just a favorite actor.

 

"Well, I have no idea what you're talking about." Lassiter kept his voice steady. "What's his name? Is it Pensky?"

 

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Oh, yeah, I'm really into people that think I'm 'gay and insane.' No. Guess again." Shawn's heart pounded in his chest, and he was surprised that he didn't pull a grinch and have his heart grow ten sizes, especially when he slid a little closer.

 

"Well, it can't be Dobson because he's a dick." Lassiter pretended not to notice the closeness.

 

"Oh, how do you know? Maybe I'm really into dicks." Shawn waggled his eyebrows, and in a matter of a second Lassiter's hand was cupping his head, and hands were everywhere, and the mixed smell and taste of Lassiter's terrible, terrible eggnog was all that the two could sense. Shawn reached for Lassiter's leg, and suddenly he heard a... Snuffle. And felt something furry push into his hand.

 

Shawn quickly broke away from Lassiter. "Lassie-Flops?" The bunny sat in his lap, almost asking to be petted.

 

"Shawn, please, now is not the time!" Lassiter pushed back in for another kiss, but Shawn pulled back in amusement.

 

"You _kept_ Lassie-Flops?" Shawn hauled the bunny closer to his chest. "Who's a cute little bunny-wabbit?" Shawn kissed Lassie-Flop's head.

 

" _Shawn_ ," Lassiter sighed in exasperation. "Yes, I kept the rabbit--"

 

"Why'd you keep the rabbit?"

 

"I..." Lassiter turned redder than the lipstick. "I used to have a rabbit when I was little, okay? His name was Bugs Bunny--"

 

"You named your rabbit Bugs Bunny? That's so cute!" Shawn kissed the detective's cheek. "Not as cute as Lassie-Flops." Shawn continued, cooing at the small, squirming animal.

 

"Shawn can we go back to what we were doing? I mean, we were just--" Lassiter suddenly clamped his hand over his mouth. "Oh my god. We just made out." Lassiter backed himself as far away from Shawn as possible. "Oh god."

 

Shawn pouted. "Does my breath really smell that bad, Lassiefras?"

 

"Out." Lassiter pointed at the door.

 

"Lassi--"

 

" _Out_!" Lassiter pointed to the door with more urgency, and Shawn reluctantly got to his feet.

 

"You sure?" Shawn asked with a tinge of remorse.

 

"Yes I'm fucking sure. Get out!" Lassiter screeched and began pushing the psychic out the door.

 

"Ok, ok, sheesh! I get it!" Shawn slammed the door and Lassiter heard faint stomping.

 

"I'm not gay." Lassiter picked up Lassie-Flops, who just glared. "No, I'm not gay." The rabbit didn't break eye contact. "If I _was_ attracted to men, it wouldn't be Shawn. No. Stop looking at me like that!" Lassiter angrily put Flops down on the couch and poured himself another mug of eggnog. It wouldn't be Christmas if he didn't drink himself stupid and did something he'd regret. He looked over at the box, and felt something that might have been guilt for not getting Shawn a present.

 

***  

 

The next morning, Lassiter did not want to go to work. This was not a familiar feeling at all. Most of his life was centred around the police force, and for the first time in his life, he dreaded going there. He thought of calling in sick, but he knew most of the officers would be doing that too, nursing hangovers and a late night. So, with the utmost reluctance, he drove to the station, and prayed to god that Shawn wouldn't show up.

 

"Good morning, Carlton!" Juliet smiled cheerily. Did she even get hungover?

 

"What's good about it?" Lassiter gruffly retorted and plopped down.

 

"Well, it's Christmas morning! If we were kids we'd be opening presents, eating cookies..." She sighed dreamily and sat in her seat. "Did you open presents?"

 

"No, I'm waiting till after the Christmas party tonight. God, why do we have it on the 25?" Lassiter sat forward and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. "Why can't they just let us get drunk one day? Just combine it into one day?"

 

Juliet smiled and patted his arm. "Want some ibuprofen?"

 

"No, I already took some," Lassiter growled. When Gus stepped into the station, almost dragging Shawn along, it certainly didn't improve his mood.

 

"Shawn, what's wrong with you?" Gus hissed. "This morning you were all 'oh, Gus, we have to go to the station! I bet there's a case for us!' Now I can barely get your ass through the door!" Gus glared at Shawn. "Are you mad at me because my parents didn't invite you to Christmas dinner?"

 

Shawn sighed with relief at the perfect out. "What? No!" He said.

 

"I knew it!" Gus's glare turned to sympathy. "I'm sorry, but last time you were there We found out you slept with... Joy... And another time my parents were arrested for murder! You can't blame them!"

 

Shawn sighed and rolled his eyes. "Fine."

 

"Spencer!" Lassiter approached the two hesitantly. "What are you doing here?"

 

"Why, Lassie, are we back to last name basis? You know, after the whole mistletoe incident I was thinking of changing my Facebook relationship status!"

 

Lassiter gently put his forearm on Shawn's neck, and amiably pushed him into a wall. "Fuck off, Spencer."

 

Shawn rose up and pushed Lassiter away. As they had their squabble, Officer Pensky approached Juliet.

 

"Detective O'Hara?"

 

Juliet started and looked at Pensky. "Oh! Please, call me Juliet. You're new here, right?" She smiled pleasantly.

 

"Yes. I'm Officer Pensky. George Pensky." He shook her hand. "I hope this isn't too personal a question but, um, is Head Detective Lassiter..." He dropped his voice to a whisper. "Gay?"

 

Juliet raised her eyebrows and let out a long laugh. "Oh, Pensky! Wow, you really _are_ new here!" She saw his very, very serious face. “Wow. You’re not joking. No, he’s definitely _not_.”

 

“What about Shawn, then?”

 

Juliet quirked an eyebrow. “I normally get these questions about McNab, and normally from women, not about the two most heterosexual men in the entire force.”

 

“Lipstick does _not_ look good on me!” Lassiter screeched from the entrance to the station, where he and Shawn had nearly gotten into a fistfight, with Gus off to the side chanting “fight, fight, fight.”

 

Pensky raised an eyebrow and Juliet sighed. “You get used to it,” she explained. “ _Boys_!” Lassiter and Shawn whipped around, fists in the air. “What’s going on?”

 

Lassiter and Shawn looked at each other, and gave a silent agreement not to tell. Instead they pointed to each other and, in unison, shouted, “He started it!”

 

Juliet bit her bottom lip and stared at both the men in turn. “Why.” It was phrased more as a statement than a question.

 

“He kissed me under the mistletoe.” Lassiter jabbed his finger at Shawn.

 

“He punched me after I tried to update my Facebook status.” Gus held up the Facebook photo of The Mistletoe Incident (as many had started calling it) to clarify Shawn’s statement.

 

“Yeah, well, he’s trying to demean me!” Lassiter retorted.

 

“He _punched_ me!” Shawn reiterated, gesticulating wildly at his bruising eye.

 

“Why don’t you two just run along and play your stupid dare game?” Juliet sighed to mask a laugh.

 

“Yeah, Gus’ll have to dare me to go to the _hospital_.” Shawn glared at Lassiter, who refused to acknowledge his remorse.

 

“You’re fine, Spencer.” He sneered at their retreating figures, and stormed off to his desk.

 

“Sir, I got the files you needed--” McNab handed Lassiter a file. The Detective snatched them out of McNab’s hand with a snarl.

 

“What took you so long?”

 

“I didn’t want to interrupt your argument with Shawn--”

 

“Well, next time, you can even punch him in the face! In fact, I encourage it.” Lassiter managed to sit down angrily as McNab scampered off.

 

Juliet let him stew for a few minutes before tentatively approaching. “Lassiter--”

 

“Don’t,” he growled.

“Don’t what?”

 

“Don’t do that thing that you do where you try to make me feel better, or I’ll break your nose and then I’ll regret it.”

 

Juliet stepped back. “Excuse me?”

 

Lassiter sighed and sat back. “Basically, I’m _pissed off_ so, I dunno, go away I guess.” Lassiter waved his hand tiredly.

 

“No!” Juliet sat on his desk angrily. “What’s your deal with Shawn? We work together weekly, and I’ve never seen you so pissed off at him!”

 

“Nothing! Nothing is wrong.”

 

“Is this because of the lipstick thing? ‘Cause most people are making fun of Shawn not you.”

 

“I barely even realized lipstick was actually put on me! I was more mad at the whole, kissing me under a mistletoe thing, but no. That’s not why I’m mad at Shawn. Please, just go away!” He pleaded. Juliet frowned but reluctantly slid off the desk. As soon as she was out of sight (talking to one of the new transfer officers or something) Lassiter began writing a memo to the Chief.

 

“You see?” Officer Pensky prompted Juliet as she approached him.

 

“Okay, I’ll bite and answer with a _maybe_. But Carlton seems really pissed off at him.”

 

Officer Pensky blinked. “Who?”

 

“Carlton. Oh! Carlton Lassiter.”

 

“Oh ok. But, get this, lovers’ spat.” Officer Pensky nodded furiously.

 

Juliet bit her lip and looked over at the Head Detective, writing furiously. “Keep me updated and _maybe_ I’ll see it.”

 

Pensky grinned and bounced past Lassiter, who snapped about the officer’s “unruly appearance.”  

 

"Chief?" Lassiter knocked on the door.

 

"Yes! Carlton, come in." She waved him inside. "What do you want?"

 

"To give you this." Lassiter placed the memo on her desk and gave her a few minutes to read it over.

 

"You want to not work with Mr. Spencer?" The Chief asked. "Why?"

 

"Well, I told you in the--"

 

"No, no, I read it. 'Insufferability,' 'immaturity,' 'bad work ethic,' all that jazz. I know you've always disliked him, but you work extremely well as a team." She handed the paper back. "I must decline."

 

"But, Chief--"

 

"No." She pursed her lips and looked knowingly at him. "Is this because of the Mistletoe--"

 

"No! God no! How do _you_ know about that? You weren't even there?"

 

"Carlton, the rookies are all obsessed with Shawn. Anything he does is talked about and exaggerated for weeks. Anyway, it's on Facebook."

 

"Guster," he growled.

 

"Either way, get over your personal problems with Shawn and Gus, and work with them." She waved him out of her office.

 

"Are you _trying_ to get yourself killed?" A familiar voice floated into the station.

 

"Gus, I left my phone on Lassie's desk!"

 

"Exactly!" The two men came into view of Lassiter and Gus immediately hid behind Shawn.

 

"Hello, Shawn," Lassiter greeted them warmly.

 

"Hey... Lassie. I left my phone on your desk, I'm just going to--" he made a move to the phone and Lassiter snatched it away.

 

"Oh, no!" He grinned maliciously. "First, we're going to have a talk. Without Gus." He stared pointedly at the man until he shrank away. "Come." He dragged Shawn into the bullpen, and Pensky was almost taking notes, unbeknownst to them.

 

"What? What do you want from me?" Shawn hissed. "Let me tell you that it was _you_ that kissed _me_ the second time! Of your own free will!"

 

"You tricked me," Lassiter mumbled. "I'm not gay. You... You spiked my eggnog or something."

 

Shawn's mouth opened and closed as his fury grew. "I come into your apartment and give you a present. You make out with me. How is this my fault? Do you hate people that are consistently nice to you? Who was the only person who believed that you didn't kill that man during the Drimmer case? Who tried to help you with your crazy shark-murder theory even though even _I_ thought it was wrong at first? That's right! It's me! Wow!" Shawn tightened his fist. "And I was _stupid_ enough to think that buying back my motorcycle that one time, or rushing to save me when I was shot were signs that you didn't _totally_ hate me!" Shawn shoved Lassiter and stormed away.

 

The detective was baffled. Shawn was just pulling his leg. And a very good actor. Because Lassiter was not gay. The only reason that he bought Shawn's bike back was because he felt guilty. And "rushing to save" Shawn was part of his job. And Shawn believing his theories at all these points was just Shawn being Shawn. Yes. Lassiter reassured himself and stormed back to his desk.

 

To his surprise, Shawn was still standing in the station, fuming. "Give." He stuck his hand out.

 

"Give what-- oh." Lassiter handed back the phone and Shawn fleed the premises, back to Gus.

 

"So, got your phone?" Gus called from the Blueberry. "Is Lassiter following you?"

 

"No!" Shawn smacked the window. "Let me in!"

 

Gus scowled and reluctantly unlocked the doors. "Shawn, what's with you?"

 

"Gus I dare you to find me a date. Preferably an attractive male."

 

"Why?" Gus exclaimed.

 

"Don't question the dare, Gus! Unless you _want_ to give me three hundred bucks.” He rubbed his fingers together and Gus tsked.

 

“Fine. Attractive male? Can he work in the police force?”

 

“He has to be openly gay and it can _not_ be Lassiter.”

 

Gus laughed. “Lassiter? Why would I choose _Lassiter_?”

 

Shawn hid a grin. Gus didn’t know him as well as he thought. “I dunno! When you asked if he was on the police force it kinda threw me off. Anyway, do you have anyone in mind?”

 

“Oh, yeah!” Gus grinned manically and took out his phone. “Hey, Jules!”

 

“They have to be a _dude_ ,” Shawn hissed.

 

“I know!”

 

“Hey, Gus,” Juliet greeted. “Aren’t you guys in the parking lot?”

 

“Yes, but Lassie is scary.”

 

Juliet sighed and looked at her angry coworker. “Ok, I see your point. What do you want?”

 

“You’ve been talking a lot with Officer Pensky, right?” Gus looked at Shawn and grinned.

 

“Yeah! He has this crazy theory about Shawn and Lassiter… I’ll tell you guys later, it’s hilarious. What about him?”

 

“Shawn was thinking about taking him for a tour of the town. Since he just moved here and all.” Gus quirked his eyebrows at Shawn and nodded with a grin.

 

“Oh, that’s sweet! Do you need his number?”

 

“Yes, please!” Gus took out his notepad and wrote down the digits, proudly handing them to Shawn. “Yeah, thanks! We’ll call him later. Bye!”

 

“Bye!”

 

“Dude, I said ‘openly queer’! Not probably queer!”

 

“Okay, first off I have no idea what you mean by ‘probably queer.’ This dude is like, six feet tall, super buff, and has a voice deeper than Vader. No gay vibes. Second off, I, uh, looked into him.” Gus pursed his lips.

 

“You what?” Shawn laughed. “You researched this dude?”

 

“Yes, Shawn! He was talking to Juliet and I thought we might need to work with him, so I looked him up. Here’s a picture of him in San Fran’s gay pride parade last year.” He showed him a photo of Pensky wearing rainbow bodypaint, and his blonde hair barely recognizable in a mohawk.

 

“You are so weird. When we met did you look me up on the Internet? Huh?”

 

“Shawn we met when we were _born_.”

 

Shawn pondered. "Shut up." He grabbed the phone number. "I got a _date_ , yes!" He pumped his fist.

 

"Shawn, a) I got you that date and b) why are you so excited?"

 

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Gus, you wouldn't understand, but most people have _needs_ \--"

 

Gus slammed his palm into the horn to shut Shawn up. "I don't want to hear about your horizontal hanky panky, gay or otherwise."

 

"'Horizontal hanky panky'? Don't be an old man that yells 'get offa mah lawn kids'!"

 

Gus rolled his eyes and backed out of the parking lot. "You better secure your date, or I'm gonna have to dare you to marathon Star Trek with me tonight."

 

Shawn bit his lip. It was tempting, but having dinner with Pensky _and_ making Lassiter jealous? That was too good of an opportunity to pass up. "Nah! I've got a date to go on!" Shawn pulled out his reaquired phone and called Pensky.

 

"Yello? George Pensky speaking."

 

"Hey, Georgie!" Shawn chirped.

 

"Shawn! Why are you calling? Not to sound rude."

 

"Nah, nah. You've only been here for, what, a week?"

 

"Yeah! Just moved in."

 

"How would _you_ like for me to show you Santa Barbara? From the piers to the bars to the arcades."

 

Pensky laughed. "Wow, Shawn, it sounds like you're asking me out on a date."  

 

"Well, my psychic vibes are telling me you wouldn't mind!" Shawn felt guilty, and promised himself to confess (at least a little bit) afterwards.

 

"Wow!" Pensky sat back in his chair. "I thought you were 'the most heterosexual man in existence.'"

 

"That's only my stage name. Anyway, I'll pick you up after work. You get off at seven, right? Just before Lassie."

 

"Yeah! Okay! See you then!" Pensky turned off his phone and stared dumbly at it.

 

"You alright, officer?" Lassiter quirked his eyebrow at the confused man.

 

"Yeah! I just thought that Shawn was straight! Or at least closeted!" Pensky shook his head, his theory about Shawn and Lassiter seeming unrealistic, even to him. "You probably know though. You two are pretty close."

 

Lassiter snorted and thought about the previous night's kiss. "We're not close, but I'm pretty sure he's some flavor of queer. Why do you say that?"

 

"Well, he just asked me out on a date."

 

The mixed feelings of rage at Shawn, rage at Pensky, and confusion _about_ Shawn tore through Lassiter's insides like a bullet. The words of his therapist came back to him and he took five shuddering breath. "Oh? That's surprising!" Considering he made out with _me_ last night, he wanted to add. “I mean, you didn’t say yes, did you? No one would want to go out with that insufferable man-child.” Lassiter laughed.

 

“Actually, I _did_ say yes!” Pensky grinned and Lassiter’s heart plummeted to the floor.

 

“Wow, Pensky! I didn’t think you’d have such low standards.” Lassiter rolled his eyes and gripped the edge of the desk.

 

“Well, it’s not like it’s going to become something,” Pensky retorted. “I mean, we’re co workers, it would crash and flame.”

 

“So!” Lassiter clapped his hands together. “I don’t really care about your love life, so I’m gonna go to the gun range!” He fled before the officer could say anything, and pretended that the figure on the paper was Pen-- Shawn. That the figure was Shawn. Lassiter grunted and shot again. This was just Shawn getting in his head and turning him... Whatever this was. Not gay. Just turning him against his own officers. But when seven rolled around, and Shawn bound into the station, Lassiter decided to follow them. Just in case.

 

"Hey, Pensky!" Shawn slid onto the desk. "Ready to go on an adventure around the mysterious town of Santa Barbara?"

 

"Yup!" Pensky jumped up and cleared everything off of his desk.

 

"Um, where are you going?" Lassiter raised his eyebrow at the two.

 

"Lassie! Don't be such a negative Nelson." Juliet poked him. "Shawn's just taking him on a tour of Santa Barbara."

 

"Oh that's what he--" Lassiter bit his tongue. "Whatever." He rolled his eyes and left with a hurried farewell nearly five minutes later.

 

"So, Pensky, what first? Dinner or the arcade?" Shawn peered at Pensky from the corner of his eye. The officer had barely fit in the front seat of the Echo and was hunched over.

 

"Shawn. We're going on a date. Call me George. And dinner first."  And dinner first, would be nice.”

 

"A'ight, Georgie!" Shawn grinned. "AI’m taking you to the best place in _town_ to get some dinner!”

 

“Oh, really?” Pensky grinned with amusement.

 

“Yup. No waiters, no waiting, no nothing!” Shawn took a sharp left away from the tourist part of town. “I even get free food there. You do like pizza, right?”

 

“Duh.” Pensky rolled his eyes.

 

“Good. Things’ll work out great between us,” Shawn lied.

 

Pensky shifted uncomfortably. He didn’t exactly want to know Shawn romantically. Shawn was a co worker, and workplace relationships had never worked out for him. I mean, that’s why he moved. “About that… Shawn, look, you’re a really nice guy, but--”

 

“Oh, thank god!” Shawn sighed with relief.

 

“Excuse me?” Pensky raised his eyebrows.

 

“Look, ok, wow, this is really awkward. I’m super sorry, but what happened is this dude rejected my advances. Only because he’s in denial about being _totally in love with me_. And before you go all, ‘maybe you’re reading it wrong!’ let me say that _he_ kissed _me_ and then freaked out. So I, uh, sort of needed to find a date to make him jealous.” Shawn bobbed his head.

 

Pensky furrowed his brow. On one hand he felt like he should be offended. On the other, he really just wanted to laugh. “Okay, wow!” He grinned. “I’m flattered that you think I would make someone jealous!”

 

Shawn laughed and looked at the rearview mirror. “He’s actually tailing us right now.” He saw the look of confusion on Pensky’s face. “He’s _really_ in denial. Also sort of crazy.” He shrugged.

 

“Okay, I’m on board.”

“Alright let’s _Parent Trap_ this shit!”

 

“Shawn, this is nothing like the _Parent Trap_.”

 

“You’re fake dating me to convince a dude that he’s in love with me, this is totally it.”

 

“Um, no.”

 

“Huh. I didn’t really get that movie.” Shawn grimaced. “Oh! Here we are! By the way, I’m seriously taking you on a tour of Santa Barbara to make up this dick move.”

 

“I’m totally okay with that. Anyway, there’s no one tailing us.” He looked at the mirror. “And even if your boyfriend-not boyfriend is, who is it?”

 

“He is tailing us and you don’t know him.” Shawn pulled into a small alleyway and made a series of increasingly confusing turns. “I think I lost him, though."

 

"Seriously," Pensky persisted, "what's his name? Maybe I know him!"   

 

"His name is Charles Langley," Shawn lied.

 

"Oh my god!" The gears in Pensky's head clicked. "It's Lassiter, isn't it? Damn it I was right the first time!"

 

"No it's-- what do you mean you were right the first time?" Shawn shrieked. "I will turn this car _around_ mister!"

 

Pensky giddily slapped the dashboard. "So you _were_ dating Lassiter!"

 

Shawn sighed exaggeratedly. "I was never _dating_ Lassie! I'm trying to dare Charles, which is what this is for! And crap he's on our tail again."

 

"I'm not going to help you until you tell me the truth." Pensky folded his arms.

 

Shawn looked from the rear view mirror, to Pensky, and back to the mirror. "Alright! Fine. Charles Langely doesn't exist. I'm trying to catch me some sweet Lassie love, now will you help me out? I’m buying you _food_. And _arcade tokens_!”

 

Pensky laughed and clapped. “Haha! I was _right!_ Also yes, I will help you out because I can see how much Lassiter means to you.”

 

“Thank you! Now let’s get some pizza and convince that cop that we’re dating.” Shawn turned into a plaza with a small pizza place that proudly displayed “24-7” on the door. “Watch this,” Shawn whispered as they entered, and gestured to the window. A few minutes later, the two saw a familiar car park across the parking lot. Pensky and Shawn giggled.

 

"Are you two gonna buy something or not?" A young red head smacked gum from behind the counter. Pensky and Shawn shot up.

 

"Ok, Georgie, this is the actual best pizza place ever. Two slices of pineapple," he called the last statement to the teen and handed her a bill.

 

"I don't like pineapple--" Shawn held his finger up to Pensky's lips.

 

"Shhhh. You'll _love_ it! Also hold my hand when we leave so that we look couple-y."

 

"Shawn, how am I supposed to hold your hand while I'm eating pizza?" Pensky grabbed the two slices of pizza from the counter.

 

"Like this." Shawn grabbed a slice, folded it in half, threw out the plate, and stuck out his free hand.

"This is the weirdest date I've ever been on, and I once went on a date to a hospital." But Pensky copied Shawn and grabbed his hand.

 

From the other side of the parking lot all Lassiter saw was Shawn and Pensky laughing and holding hands. He was torn between drinking himself unconscious and jumping out of the car to ruin their date. Instead he sat dumbly in the car as Shawn forced a slice of pizza into Pensky's mouth.

 

"I don't like pineapple!" Pensky pushed the slice away from his face. Shawn took that convinient opening to pop the slice into his mouth.

 

"You see? This is why we'd never work out romantically! Pineapples, man. How do you not like them?"

 

Pensky chewed thoughtfully. "Well, damn. This pizza is _delicious."_

 

"See?" Shawn nodded dramatically. "Let's go to the pier. It's romantic and'll drive Lassie insane."

 

"Anything to drive my boss insane." Pensky rolled his eyes and they got into the car.

 

"Dammit!" Lassiter smacked the wheel and a loud honk sounded out through the empty lot. "Well, shit!"

 

The rest of the night Lassiter followed Pensky and Shawn to: the pier, three different arcades, two other pizza places, and finally Shawn's apartment. He parked away from the apartment and hiked to a bush next to the apartment and soundlessly watched (but didn't hear) Shawn and Pensky.

 

"So, I'm about to kiss you and say something, then you're going to smile and nod and we're going to go into my apartment. Watch the bushes."

 

"Ooh!" Pensky smiled. "Fucking on the first date?"

 

"I don't do this for everyone, mind you." Shawn poked Pensky's nose. "Here comes the kiss." He gently brushed the other man's lips. "Now I am saying something that Lassiter thinks is 'come into my apartment?'"

 

Pensky smiled and nodded. "I can see Lassiter in the bushes. He's terrible at this."

 

"This isn't the first time." Shawn grabbed the officer's hand and led him inside. "You should've seen the first week I worked for the deparment, my _god_."

 

"Oh my god," Lassiter whispered to himself as Shawn and Pensky disappeared inside. Why did he feel so... No, not jealous. Definitely not jealous. Angry that one of _his_ officers was sleeping with _Shawn fucking Spencer_. Yes, that was this empty, hollow feeling inside. Lassiter extracted himself from the bush and trudged back to his car.

 

**Chapter 3**

 

"Good morning, sweetie." Shawn winked at Officer Pensky. The night before they had agreed not to hide their "relationship," especially not around Lassiter.

 

"Good morning, Shawn. We don't have a case for you. Please leave." Lassiter rubbed his temples and looked away.

 

"Aww, Lassiefras!" Shawn subtly (to most people, but not to Lassiter) placed his hand on Pensky's shoulder. "I'm just here to say hi to my _boyfriend_."

 

"Excuse me?" Juliet dropped her files and Gus sighed in the background, having been told about Shawn's plan (the fact about it being to attract Lassiter conveniently replaced by it being to confuse Lassiter. He was also dared to play along, so he didn't have an option). "Shawn, you're joking, right?"

 

"Nope!" Pensky grinned and twisted around to kiss Shawn's cheek.

 

"You're... _Gay_?" She whispered.

 

"Not generally." His eyes flicked to Lassiter, remembering the scene in his apartment. "I am, however, generally bisexual, so." He shrugged.

 

"I'm gay!" Pensky raised his hand and smiled.

 

"So, have fun last night on your date?" Lassiter spat.

 

"Oh we had a lot of fun!" Shawn laughed. "What about you, Lassie?" He pierced the officer with his eyes, and Lassiter could almost tell that Shawn knew that he'd staked them out. But, no, he was very discreet.

 

"Damn you, Shawn. I'll have you know I went out as well."

 

"Wait. I'm still on this whole 'everyone is queer' thing. It's sort of surprising?" She gasped. "Lassie, you _knew_! Pensky you were half right!"

 

Pensky and Shawn laughed knowingly.

 

"Lassie, can we talk?" Shawn walked forward and gripped the man's shoulder.

 

"We're talking." Lassiter folded his arms.

 

"No, privately."

 

"Fine." Lassiter curled his lip and followed Shawn to the bullpen.

 

"I saw you."

 

"Saw me what?" Lassiter folded his arms defensively.

 

"Following me and my 'boyfriend.'" Shawn stepped forward.

 

"I was making sure he was safe and not doing something stupid." Lassiter found himself in the uncomfortable and unfamiliar position of being backed up to a wall.

 

"Are you sure?" Shawn pushed closer to Lassiter. "What if I said that Pensky and I... Aren't actually dating?"

 

"Really?" Lassiter perked up and cursed himself. "I mean, pfft, there's no way." Lassiter rolled his eyes.

 

"What if I said I was only fake dating him so that you'd get jealous?"

 

"Hmm?" He whimpered.

 

"And note, I used 'was' on purpose." Shawn grabbed Lassiter's tie and pulled him into a kiss.

 

"O. M. Geeeee!" Juliet dropped her files for the second time that day.

 

"Are you going to kick me out again?" Shawn asked breathlessly, not hearing Juliet.

 

"No." He hadn't heard Juliet either, so he pulled Shawn into another kiss.

 

"Oh. My. God!" Gus shrieked.

 

This Shawn and Lassiter heard and broke apart quickly.

 

"Shawn!" Juliet grabbed his collar. "Why are you doing this to Pensky? More specifically, why are you doing this _at all_. "

 

"Oh no, I'm in on it!" Pensky called from the top of the stairs.

 

“In on _what_?” Juliet shouted incredulously.

 

“You said you wanted to mess with Lassiter!” Gus sat down and grabbed his head. Pensky snorted in the background.

 

“I do want to mess with Lassiter! Like--” Shawn pointed to Lassiter’s crotch “mess with him!”

 

“Shawn!” Lassiter hissed.

 

“So, we cool?” Pensky raised a hand at Shawn.

 

“Cool as ice! Pizza tonight?” He looked at Lassiter. “Tomorrow night?”

 

“Hell yeah!”

 

“I’d like to clarify that I’m not gay!” Lassiter broke in.

 

Juliet, Gus, and Shawn just stared at him. “We know.”

***

 

“So, did you like my real Christmas gift?” Shawn asked the next morning, dangling off of Lassiter’s bed, caressing Lassie-Flops.

 

“Uh, _yeah_!” Lassiter hefted up a gun and a set of bullets and placed them on the kitchen counter. “Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome. And before you ask, think of last night’s sex as my Christmas gift. Isn’t that right Lassie-Flops? Isn’t that right?” He nuzzled the bunny.

 

“Please don’t discuss our sex life with Lassie-Flops,” Lassiter commented absently.

 

“What. Are you worried that I’ll corrupt him or something?” Shawn rolled his eyes.

 

“No, it’s just weird that you’re a) cooing about our sex life to a rabbi and b) hugging a rabbit while you’re _naked_.”

 

Shawn shrugged and Lassiter found himself on top of the psychic and kissing his nose. “We have to go to work.”

 

“I’m not the one pinning me down.” Shawn raised his eyebrows. “Although, if I _was_ cloned--”

 

“Shawn,” Lassiter interrupted. “Let’s go to work.” He rolled off and pushed Lassie-Flops off the bed.

 

“Oh, c’mon!” Shawn whined.

 

“Shawn!”

 

“Fine.” They drove to work, and Shawn found himself staring at Lassiter the entire time.

 

Lassiter kissed Shawn in front of the police station. “Oh, so we’re not hiding this?” Shawn retorted.

 

“Why would we?” Lassiter tilted his head.

 

“No reason.”

 

“Good morning, Carlton!” Juliet cheerily called and stopped short of the couple. “Are you… Are you wearing Shawn’s shirt?” He looked down at his outfit.

 

“What? No!” Juliet pursed her lips and walked in. They may not be hiding their relationship, but there were some things that they just wouldn’t show.

 

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you wondering, Gus lost the game and paid 500$ after Shawn dared him to tattoo the word "Biotch" on his right butt cheek. Shawn was then coerced into paying the cable bill with it after Gus "accidentally" forgot to. 
> 
>  
> 
> ((Helpful criticism is appreciated!))


End file.
